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Submitted on
August 5


Bob was a guy with an arm and a leg and one other arm and another leg. Once upon a time on a dark stormy night with other cliché openings,  he was eating a bowl of cereal. The bowl of cereal exploded for no reason and was all like “PSHHH BOOM KAPOW” and Bob was like, man, I love explody o’s. Bob went to sleep and woek up and ate a Dorito for breakfast. He said that the Dorito was cool ranch flavor, but many historians are really suspicious about this theory and don’t think that it’s true. Bob went to work in the potato factory. He then played football in the factory with an old discarded potato chip. The boss man didn’t like Bob playing football with the potato chip so he beat Bob with a Baseball bat and fired him. Bob went home and started to pet his dog, then his dog got all pissed off for some reason and beat Bob with a baseball bat too. Bob then set out to find a new job. He was able to find a used car joint that sells used cars for monopoly money. Bob thought that this job was an okay job for now, but there was one problem, the place only paid him in gum, and the owner of the car place was all like “chew 5 gum.” So now bob is required by his boss to be chewing 5 gum that he buys with his paycheck of other gums 24/7, or else bob would be fired from the pope of new Canada. Legend says that new Canada has been based on an old country called old Canada that was blown up from some angry penguins in the penguin wars, but Bob believes that these are just rumors, and that the penguin war did not involve Canada, but mostly bigger countries like Russia and New Mexico.  Bob wished he was there for the great penguin war of 1998, but he was too busy being born in 9324. Bob thought that he might fight in the modern Polar bear war, but knew that the polar bears only wanted attention and would never launch any snow mobile bombs. So now Bob proceeded to sell used Cars. Used cars are pretty hard to sell to people because they are used and old, and the ones at the place that Bob works at are made of 5 gum. It’s pretty hard to sell used cars made from 5 gum. English teachers won’t buy used cars, because they are all like, used is a weak verb, we prefer the store that sells pre-owned cars, because they are more specific, so Bob already lost some clientele. After Bob’s first day on the job he had sold 0 used cars, and his boss was really angry, so his boss attached some dynamite to a baseball bat and beat bob with it, the baseball bat exploded in Bob’s face and so Bob said “man, I’m gonna have to live in a hospital for the next few days.” Bob’s boss was all like “and you better be selling used cars in your hospital to, WHILE YOU ARE CHEWING 5 GUM!” Bob thought that selling cars in a hospital would be pretty tough, especially used ones, who would he sell these used cars to? Why the heck is bob selling used cars? Does bob even qualify to sell used cars? Well, no, Bob lacks a used car license, so he cannot sell used cars let alone own one. So Bob went to the hospital and the nurse lady used a stapler to staple his injuries closed, a literal stapler. So bob sat down in the hospital bed and his dog came in to visit Bob in the hospital. The dog was all like “why you no feed me” and then the dog hit Bob in the face, went to the hospital cafeteria, and ate. Then Bob’s dog ran away, never to be seen again. Bob cried later that night because his dog ran away, so the nurse had to come in and knock him out with a baseball bat. Bob woke up the next day and popped a piece of 5 gum in his mouth, and started shouting “buy your used cars here, fresh used cars made of 5 gum!” The nurse lady came in and bought a used car, not knowing it was made of 5 gum, then the nurse lady put duct tape on Bob’s mouth to get him to shut up about used cars. Bob went on the rest of the day chewing 5 gum in his mouth, but the problem was, he had duct tape on his mouth and his arms were all tied down so the gum was stuck and it got really flavorless and gross and Bob couldn’t swallow it because he believed in that “it takes seven years to digest” nonsense. Bob spent the next few weeks in the hospital and was finally admitted out. When Bob went back to his house he found out that the lock had been changed by the child mafia. Bob had forgot to pay the child mafia in their candies so they had changed the lock on his house and blown up his doll collection. Bob went into a bush and cried because his doll collection has been destroyed. The child mafia found him in the bush and they said “soz Bob, you better pay us our protection candy, else we gonna explode your home. Bob said “I can’t get protection candy, because I only get paid in gum. The child mafia guy was all angry and pulled out his nerf machine gun and shot bob multiple times. Bob cried some more because he was being shot by a nerf gun, he was pretty much a baby. The child mafia guy left but first said “you better bring us our protection candies, else the boss is not gonna be very happy and he’s is gonna blow up your home.” Bob didn’t know what to do now that he did not have a house or a pet. Bob decided that he was going to stay in his box with his best friend the hobo king. Bob went to the box which was in the middle of the black alley by the king soopers store and Bob asked the hobo king “yo can I stay here” and the hobo king said “you must pass the hobo test. Bob decided that he was going to take the hobo test, even if it was said to be one of the hardests tests to pass of all time. The hobo test was the administered to Bob, he was going to have to eat a piece of food he found in the street, not knowing how old it was or even what it was. In fact, Bob wasn’t even sure that this piece of food on the street was actually food. Bob ate the food, finding out that it was a piece of a squirrel that got hit by a car, dumped on with tons of nuclear radiation, and burned to a crisp.  After eating the squirrel (and puking it up one or two times) Bob claimed that the squirrel tasted like victory. So after eating the food, Bob was able to live in the Box with the hobo king. The first night with the hobo king proved to be pretty packed in the box, as it was indeed a box. Bob was crammed in the Box and there wasn’t any breathing room in-between him and the hobo king. Bob woke up in the morning early with the box being covered in dew only to find that the hobo king had died of suffocation. Bob was happy that the hobo king had died because now he had a place to call home again. Although the place did not have a proper bed, it did have a kitchen, living room, and an office (all drawn out in crayon inside the box.) Bob went to work and did the normal things of selling cars and being paid in gum. The normal cycle went on in fact for a few weeks for Bob. Sleeping in a box and selling cars for gum. Bob eventually decided to stand up to his boss and demanded that he not be paid in gum, or at least be paid in 5 gum so that he could use that gum instead of having to pay for 5 gum with other gums to chew during work. His boss got all angry at Bob for some reason and beat him with a baseball bat. Bob wasn’t fired; he was, however, placed on probation for his work and would probably be fired if he did something as small as forgetting to wash his hands after selling a car. Bob knew that he needed a new, good job that would actually pay money. Bob went searching for his new job and when his boss at the used car facility found out Bob was properly fired. Bob finally found a place called pizza shack that hired him and would start work soon for minimum wage, unfortunately, in the land where Bob lived, the minimum wage for people named Bob was severely reduced, by about 70%, to be precise. Bob was still happy with his new job and whistled Mary Had A Little Lamb all the way home. Someone caught him whistling Mary Had A Little Lamb and properly beat Bob with a baseball bat. Bob arrived back at his box home, only to find that the child mafia had burnt it to a crisp in a gasoline fire. Bob looked around and saw a note on the ashes of his house. The note read “you didn’t pay yo protection monies Bob, so now yous gonna has a bad life cus we is the child mafia and we don’t play games.” When Bob read this note he screamed and cried like a little baby until he arrived at a police station when he shouted at the police man on the desk “dude, help!, the child mafia is chasing me down and they are gonna kill me and burn me to a crisp and feed me to penguins!” The guy at the police station went close to Bob and whispered to him, “dude, I’d love to help but I can’t, the child mafia is threating to kill us all if one of us police men helps stop one of their evil schemes to destroy the world or something. The police man got scared because he was also a baby that was afraid of the child mafia and went in the corner and cried himself to sleep. Bob however, knew that he could afford another box on his new salary of work, so he went down to a post office and bought a new box on his credit card and a box of crayons to draw the rooms in. Bob moved the box under a bridge, as is where he would live now, because he was a hobo. Bob was working his new job, it was kind of hard though, because Bob was a pizza delivery man and he did not actually own a car. Bob was forced to deliver his pizza by riding a pizza to the places where he would deliver the same pizza. The pizza place continued to pay him his reduced minimum wage, and after a few months of working, Bob was finally able to afford a new light bulb for his box home. The light bulb did not actually light up for Bob, but it made him happy to use his imagination to think that the light bulb actually lit up. The people at some psychiatry place found out that Bob was thinking that the light bulb was lighting up and got furious at Bob because they thought he was insane. So they sent the police over to taze Bob, dumb pepper spray all over him, and then beat him to near death with night sticks. Bob woke up not knowing how much later in a mental institute strapped down in a strait jacket. But there was a problem with this room; it didn’t have a light bulb. The mental institute people came in the insane people room that was padded and handed Bob a piece of toast. The institute people pet Bob on the head and told him “shhh, don’t worry, just eat your toast and everything will be all right.” Bob didn’t like toast so he decided not to eat the toast. On finding out that Bob wasn’t eating the toast, the mental institute guys rushed out, and the room Bob was in started going red as an alarm went off. The alarm must have called some guys because after three armored people with cattle prods came in and started shocking Bob for some reason until he passed out. When Bob woke up again from being knocked out from tazing his boss was there to announce that Bob was now fired from his job. The child mafia guy was also there to tell Bob that it was his doings that Bob was now in a mental institute and they both left. Bob was furious that he had lost his job so he started growling and going insane. He bashed his head against the wall repeatedly until the alarm went off once more and this time two guys with fishes came in and beat bob with the fishes. After being beaten, pepper sprayed, or shocked nearly to death about three times a day every day for about three years in the mental institute, Bob was finally deemed sane and was able to leave. Bob went back to his box home, only to find that it had been foreclosed upon, and was bought by the Hobo Prince, who would not let Bob stay with him. Bob found out that the Hobo Prince had sold his light to a pizza company, pizza castle. Bob was furious at the Hobo Prince and swore revenge on him due to the fact that it was Bob’s favorite light. However, first, Bob had to find a new home to live in. Bob searched high and low and left and right all over town for nearly three days (he had spent his days sleeping on a park bench that the park owner had loaned him). After what seemed like years of searching for a house, even though it had only been three days, Bob had found a safe to live in that someone had disposed of under a bridge. The safe was pretty dang hard to get in and out of, because Bob did not know the combination, and it was rather crammed, as Bob there was a shelf in the middle of the safe separating Bob from the lower level of the safe. In the next few weeks Bob had planned his revenge on the Hobo king, and possibly pizza castle. Bob had prepared a break in on the Hobo Prince’s box, and Bob was going to steal something precious of his, like, a candle or something. That night Bob had left his safe and was prepared with a sharpened pretzel that Bob had found on the ground a few nights before. Bob dawned his mask that would hide his identity, which was, in reality, a paper plate that Bob had stapled to his own face. Bob left to the Hobo Prince’s box and finally arrived after hours of travel. Bob jammed his pretzel into the Box and started to saw away at it. Bob successfully removed a wall to the Hobo Prince’s box and was ready to enter. The Hobo Prince thought he saw something in the box but disregarded the massive hole in his wall and went to sleep.  Bob entered the box ready to perform the ultimate revenge scheme. Bob looked around the box for a good five minutes to decide what to steal from that jerk the Hobo Prince. Bob finally decided that he would take the Hobo Prince’s most prized possession, the Hobo Prince’s crown. Bob knew that the crown was important, as it had been appraised at a pawn shop as priceless, or maybe it was worthless, Bob honestly didn’t know which one it was. But Bob did know that the crown was important, so he took it right off of the sleeping Hobo Prince’s head and ran off with it. Bob ran for miles so that the Hobo Prince would not be able to find him in case that the Prince woke up. Bob went back to his safe and stored the crown in his lower shelf on a pedestal made from tin foil. Bob was happy that he had gotten revenge on that stupid Jerk the Hobo Prince. Bob went to bed for the night and woke up in the morning to turn on the Hobo news, which was displayed on a drawing on the wall in Bob’s safe. The news, which Bob had drawn on the TV for the day, was a report on the stolen crown of the Hobo Prince. The Prince was devastated at what had happened and that only pleased Bob. Unfortunately for Bob though, he had not known that he left evidence, the Hobo Police found the pretzel that Bob used to cut through the Box. The hobo police said that he would perform a hobo DNA scan on the pretzel and would find out which person would have broken into the Prince’s house. Bob knew that this was a problem so he once again put on his mask and walked all the way down to the Hobo Prince’s house. When Bob got to the house he found the pretzel, took it, and ate it. The pretzel was gross as it was all old and stale. Bob then escaped to his own house once more and was ready to see the Hobo Prince cry over his lost crown. Bob dawned the crown so that he could be the new hobo prince and so that all of the other hobos would have to obey his orders. Bob walked over to the Hobo Town and declared himself the new Hobo Prince. All the other hobos were too poor to care who the prince of the hobos was because they were busy getting rats and eating cardboard shoes for dinner. Bob declared that everybody in the Hobo Town had to go and beat up the old Hobo Prince because he sucked and was a bad prince and stole Bob’s home. But unfortunately, the hobo people in the hobo town did not believe Bob, and thought that Bob had forged the crown out of his own custom tin foil. So, instead, the hobo people beat Bob up and threw him in a dumpster. Bob was tired, so he went to sleep in the dumpster for the night. When bob woke up, the Hobo Prince was there and looked at Bob, he saw Bob and said “Ha! I bet you didn’t know that I knew that you were gonna steal my crown so I replaced it with a fake crown!” Bob felt pretty dumb because the crown that he stole was obviously not the Hobo Prince’s crown. The crown he stole was made of tin foil, but the Hobo Prince’s crown was obviously made of aluminum foil, Bob knew how to tell the difference, because he had taken a foil class before and they taught him the differences between many foils. Bob was ashamed of himself and remade the Hobo Prince’s fake crown into the crown of Bob. So that bob would now have is personal crown. Bob declared himself the king of all people named Bob. So according to moron law, all people named Bob would have to listen to him and do what he said. Bob had a plan now with his new powers, because with new powers comes new responsibilities to destroy the world or something like that. The next step in Bob’s plan was that he had to find a phone booth. He didn’t know where to find a phone booth however because nobody uses those dumb things anymore. He searched around town, high and low, until he found a phone booth next to the hobo town, the hobo phone. Bob went up to the hobo phone but there was a hobo guard guarding the hobo phone. Bob couldn’t do his plan if there were a hobo guard there guarding the hobo phone. Bob had to distract the hobo guard so that he would be able to do what he needed to do to take over the entire world, or something along those lines. Bob knew that hobos liked shiny things so Bob took a cardboard box and suffocated the guard to death with it. Bob then did what he needed to do. He picked up the phone book and called somebody named Bob with it. Unfortunately, Bob didn’t know how to use a phone book so that he couldn’t call anybody with it. Bob knew that in order to intact his plan, he would have to take phone lessons. Bob, unfortunately, did not have any money in order to pay for his phone lessons, so there was only one thing he could do, take a loan out from the child mafia. He went to “The Boss’” home and went into his secret pillow fort that him and his friend clinks had helped him build on their last sleepover. Bob went in the sleepover fort and saw the boss sitting at his desk with some other person or something, Bob thought they were breaking kneecaps. Bob went up to the desk and the boss was all like “ehhh what do you want looser Bob?” Bob then asked for a loan to take phone classes,  the boss agreed. The next day, Bob went out to the Homeless town (arch enemies of the Hobo Town) and began to take lessons on how to use phonebooks and payphones. Bob thought it was pretty hard. After his first day Bob went home and studied his notes for hours upon hours so that he could pass the phone test that would be at the end of the month. Studying notes was hard for Bob, mainly because he was in a dark safe with no light. Bob took his phone classes for the rest of the month and used how to use a pay phone. Bob found out that the phone book that he was trying to contact the other Bob with was actually a book, and doesn’t actually function as a phone. The tower that held the phone book was the part that held the phone that Bob had to call people on. Bob found the first guy named Bob in the phone book, when other Bob picked up the first Bob declared that other Bob has to give original Bob all of his money because he was the King of Bobs and he had ownership over all things that other Bob now had. Other Bob was all like “k” and traded houses with main Bob. Now that main Bob lived in an official house rather than a safe that he found under a bridge, he knew that he had lights that he did not have to pretend were on in order to have light in his house. Bob then used his newly found monies and went to the store to buy a phone book and a phone of his own. Bob used the phone in his house and called the Phones of a lot of Bobs in the nation, he made his own army of Bobs to conquer everything and destroy the world, or something. Bob’s army was one of the most massive Bob armies ever made, mainly because it was the only Bob army that has ever been made. Bob’s army contained at least 8 people, and with those people he gave them matches, so that they could hit people with the matches and make them cry into submission. Bob said that his army would march through the streets of the town and declare him the new mayor or  they would cause anarchy and hit all the people in the town with matches until they cried to their mommies. Bob woke up the next morning in his new plush bed that wasn’t made of metal and went outside and waited for his forces. Bob’s 8 Bob’s showed up the next day to dominate the world. Bob gave a speech about ponies and stuff to hype up the other Bob’s and then handed out matches so that the rest of the world can be destroyed and owned by Bobs.  Bob’s forces then roamed the streets and started hitting people with the matches, all was done as planned.  The next day Bob awoke early the next day to see the One O’ Clock news to make sure that the city was in panic that they had been attacked by Bob’s army. Bob watched the entire news and did not even see mention of his group’s raid on the city.  Bob was furious that they did not even mention his entire raid on the city, his personal army of Bob’s nearly destroyed everyone by hitting them with the matches that they had. Bob then went down to the news station and met Steve, the guy on the color box. Bob told Steve on how they didn’t talk about his Bob army raid on the city. Steve explained to Bob that his idea of news was stupid and that raids on the city using matches were pointless and did not bring terror to anybody. Bob was furious at what Steve had said to him because he knew what he had done was amazing and had impacted the city a lot, and made the city fear him. So Bob pulled out a match and started hitting Steve with it because Steve was a complete jerkwad. Steve then said “dude, what the heck are you doing, the match doesn’t hurt at all, it’s a small piece of wood.” Bob knew that Steve was really just keeping his pain inside and not showing it to the world, so he just kept hitting him with the match. After about 10 minutes of strait match hitting, Steve finally called security and had Bob kicked out of the news station. Bob then realized that the matches really didn’t hurt, so he must be using them wrong. Bob then went to the library and started reading books for hours and hours so that he may eventually learn how to correctly use the match. Bob returned to the library every day for 3 months in order to find out how to match. After nearly 7 months of strait library visiting every day, Bob finally found out how. He then went outside to test his new theory, so he took the match out of the box, struck the side of the box with the match, and suddenly, it got covered in orange.
I get really, really, really bored sometimes
loolj Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014  New member Professional Writer
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